Caroline in the Delta

Closing the Teach For America Blogging Gap
Oct 10 2010

Exhaustion

Slowly, it accumulates. Even though I slept for ten hours on Friday night, I feel as if I have been running and running. Ironically, the feeling makes me want to go running, because that has been my primary┬ámethod of tackling all mental blocks: frustration, depression, loneliness, apathy. I run, and run, and run. It’s a ncie feeling, to jog down old Arkansas high ways, next to cotton fields and railroad tracks, but it’s starting to wear me out.

I love my kids. It is undeniable. I love them so much that sometimes I hate everything I’m doing, everything, because it’s not good enough. Because they deserve so much better than this. Because I haven’t been able to give them or teach them or convince them of everything I want to, everything they deserve. My knowledge is so limited. I am trying to learn as much as I can at the same time as them, learning types of sentences and how to identify them and how to figure them out. But I keep getting distracted– by relationships from home that have so much hope but repeatedly tear me down, by relationships here that I feel I try and try to build but still have a hard time finding solace in, by the huge, aching hole where I want so badly for my mother to be back inside of.

I am struggling to balance again, and it is particularly hard today. There is a soccer game at five an hour away that I want to go to, but it means I have to stop having a pity party and prepare for my students tomorrow. Ms. L, get your act together.

I am going to put all my emotional mess aside, and work. It’s for the kids. It’s for my own sanity. It’s because that’s what I am supposed to, and┬áneed to, and am doing right now, in my life, in Dumas AR. Thank you for your time, internets, consider the pity party over.

3 Responses

  1. Cindy

    Today, 10-10-10 – a once in a thousand years kind of day – opening weekend for the renaissance fest here – I heard a marvelous violin as I walked to the booth, and wondered for whom it was wailing. Turns out it was you, Ms L – a haunting, vibrant sound, yet somehow hollow. Now that I’ve read this post, I wish I could have recorded it to play for you. It would fill your heart and your head – it did mine, for a bit.

    You are amazing, Caroline!

  2. vanessuh beird

    aw love for the lil girl in alligator country… you need a pet i think

  3. rodbello985

    stay strong out there. Up here in the NE is just the same. We all love out kids and want the best for them. Just make sure you can give the best and healthiest teacher you can give. Your students already appreciate you for everything you are doing. Take care

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