We made it to Christmas break. All of my children and myself, still alive, doing the things we want to do for two weeks. Before learning again.
The adventure began on Friday, when all of my roommates left and I was alone for a night in my house in Dumas. Saturday Auntie flew in (to drive back to Michigan with me). I got my oil changed on the way to Little Rock, where the airport is, and on the way back my car came to a complete stop, dead battery, not even enough power for the hazards to work.
We were towed 45 minutes away, to Brittany’s boyfriend’s uncle’s backyard, where he works on cars. The next morning Brittany drove us back to the airport (bless her heart!) almost getting a ticket on the way, where we got a rental. Then the 13 hours up to Michigan, through the night.
I feel stuck, lately. Paralyzed in so many ways. Everyone asks about school, about my new job, about Arkansas, and I feel like my throat is glued together. I feel like the part of my brain that can articulate stories and remember events from school and be honest and optimistic has a padlock on it. I’ve tried to talk about teaching, tried to talk to people from Michigan about what it is I’m feeling or experiencing… but all I can utter is: “It’s challenging.” or “It’s an experience.”
I want to talk about what I’m doing. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have the confidence to feel like I’m doing well, or that I just don’t know how to begin, or that I still don’t want to admit to the world that I am living a different life than the one I had for the past five years, but talking about it is so difficult.
Anyway. Kalamazoo is refreshing. So refreshing. Last night I went to a movie with three friends still in college and it felt so normal. Auntie and I went to the magazine store, Barnes & Nobel, and TJMaxx– all were so luxurious. Driving 10 minutes to get what I want?! Eating at a different restaurant for every meal? A movie theatre that is not an hour away?
Christmas feels markedly different again this year. Where is home? Kalamazoo or Novi? Is it the house or the people? The snow or the time of year?
I’m getting horrifically disorganized lately. You can tell even from this post– scatterbrained, no real driving purpose. I’ve stopped writing everything down, stopped journaling every day, stopped running four days a week. Falling into lazy lazy patterns, running out of excuses. I don’t know I don’t know.
I’m happy to be here. I miss what my life was like this time in 2009, but looking forward to January, to another new year, new people, moving forward. Always moving forward.