Something is driving me crazy. Into irritable, cranky, something-on-the-tip-of-my-something, my spine tingling with something. My kids have developed runny noses and coughs overnight; the teachers at school walk into the lounge with shoulders slumped and complaints on their lips. Literally one week ago, I was pumped to head up Pop Tab Pandemonium for the Ronald McDonald House of Arkansas, was pumped to teach my students about pourquoi stories, felt warm every time fifth period walked in, and was breathless from all the book donations that showed up in my classroom.
Something is getting to me! Like a friend that you love who keeps poking you in your side when you already asked nicely to stop and you’re trying to focus on something. I’m irritated, okay?!
I went to Eliese’s classroom after school today. She teaches high school Spanish, and interacting with them left me in a state of semi-panic. I think I would be too paranoid to teach high school. It was hard enough to find my sense of authority with 12-year-olds. But with “kids” that are 18? Are you kidding? They look grown (because I say that now, as any well-adapted southern would). That’s just a side-note that caught me off guard.
The feeling, I think, derives from the slowed momentum of October. Everyone is restless, it finally dropped below 60, and it’s dark at 7pm. My anxiety pools between my shoulders when it gets dark early. One of the things I love most about the south is the weather. Winter in Michigan… it makes me want to cry just thinking about it, though there’s something too gorgeous about that thick, heavy, midwestern, winter sadness that can’t be ignored.
Anyway. It’s Wednesday. I’m having a pretty good week with a pretty good life in a pretty good month of a pretty good year. It’s the stagnancy. It doesn’t matter if I have something to be legitimately upset about or not– my brain will eventually find a lull or a plateau to stick to for a bit. How on earth did it get to be October 19th already? WHAT?!
One more thing, because it’s bothering me and I don’t keep my mouth shut if I think I’m not in a position where I think it’s needed. I’m starting to feel strange about this website. Actually, I just want a forum in life (I think) where I can be totally honest all the time. I’m debating starting yet another (read: fourth) blog/place/something to keep track of my thoughts where I can still have an audience but say how I feel. I was venting to Sarah one day, or Eliese or Laura, someone, about how awesome teachforus is in some regards, but in others (maybe because it’s so carefully guarded by Scholastic and Teach For America? Two organizations I really love, but when you get that big and that corporate, you have to start being careful) it’s not so awesome. I feel kind of suffocated, and not-good-enough, and … something odd and negative. Sorry, admins, don’t mind if ya try to delete the post…
Although, on my fault, it’s always better to go to the source when you have a problem, rather than vent to the world. So, perhaps I need to keep emailing the intelligent and articulate folks about teachforus. It’s hard to do that, though, because I feel invalid plenty of the time. But does “winning” a contest and being one of the top ten most visited blogs on this site give me some credibility? At least some confidence?