This has been an amazing thing: my life, at large. (Escaped.)
I don’t mean to sound cryptic, I just think over Thanksgiving break I might have found something. (Stated while perpetually knocking on wood, please let this not have been a fake-discovery.) See, previously my life was these two factions: Caroline the Michiganian, the semi-artist, the girl that wears Nike high tops and doesn’t wash her hair for three days, who sleeps three hours a night, who goes goes goes; then Caroline the teacher, the hoity-toity Teach-For-America corps member, yeah that organization, yeah I was one of those few accepted, except -oh!- I fail all the time, except I have no confidence or solid Delta relationships, except this is like working a really insane masochistic after-school volunteer job that isolates you from anything and everything that has ever grounded you except for you own brain and OH YEAH your brain does not ground you.
If you followed that, good work.
Now. The present is some miraculous and obviously plainly expected merging of the two. Suddenly, teaching is not a tortuous pastime, but an… occupation? This is my life? This is my career? Somewhere along the line Teach For America gave me, at the least, a direction to go in, something I didn’t have in college. Instead of selfishly wondering what the hell I’m going to do, ever, I have 120 little faces holding me accountable. Who cares what I want, these kids need to learn something. Lord knows if I’m providing something to learn, but at least I’m trying.
Too tangential.
My point is that over this break my worlds collided, and I feel like teacher-me is not just some surgically applied appendage that I can’t function. Teacher-me is, in fact, me. The extremes are less. I talk about school at home. I talk about home at school. I am finding middle ground.
Kinda depressing that I only have (potentially) six months to enjoy it, before my life (potentially) gets flipped on its head again.
Speaking of, Sacramento principal is observing me for two hours tomorrow, and I can’t decide if I’m largely apathetic or terrified out of my mind. I’ve lost three pounds in three weeks and leave to observe Achievement First on Thursday morning. As put together as I remind myself I am, my life continues to be a (excuse the alarmingly awful analogy) whirlwind.
/rant
I feel like I must be a little late to the boat, considering I’ve been teaching a year and a half now, but hey. I guess two years is what it takes to START adjusting to something. Sigh…
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I. love. this. Thanks. I feel that many of us feel this weird dichotomy when entering the corp.