Caroline in the Delta

Closing the Teach For America Blogging Gap
May 13 2013

Input // Output

Lately I’ve felt anything but consistent. Ecstatic? Sometimes. Crushed? Sometimes. Exhausted? A lot of times.

It’s the end of year three and despite a mostly clean bedroom, despite the kaleidoscope sunlight dancing on my bed, despite long hair and big plans and so many things that push me up today I feel low.

I’ve written more than one post, a few half-complete, one eaten by the surprise computer attack, and none posted because life keeps coming up before computers. I miss writing. I miss chronicling.

Today I came home and crawled into bed, stayed alert to the texts and phone calls I have about this year’s talent show and continue feeling conflicted about everything. I can’t cut out some concise picture of life right now, so again, sadly, I’ll consolodate with bullets mostly for the sake of recording. Hopefully consistent posts will show up again sometime soon.

  • Two weeks ago we had a BB gun shooting at school. It was a pretty big deal, and created a stir in the community, and put us on local news twice in a week. It made teaching difficult from a psychological perspective– a sad time.
  • Someone I care about was hospitalized for a week for fear that a suicide attempt. I find it interesting that while my best friends were literally attempting suicide while I was in high school and college I could thick skin myself out of being too distraught about it. This person, though, brought me to tears with just a note saying it’s been contemplated. Funny what maturity brings.
  • I feel, maybe selfishly and maybe falsely, that I am giving a lot. In many circumstances. To the point where I feel I am continuing to do this and feeling slightly more bitter about it each time, but these things I’m “giving” have a quickly depreciating value and I can’t fix the quality. I am trying to have a strong output, to stay refreshed and motivated and happy, but instead I am grinding metal against concrete, I am pushing with nothing but air I am falling shorter and shorter each time.
  • My biggest complaint of recent times is that I feel I have little help, and little confidence. I whine about it but today the sixth grade team had everything taken care of, and I found myself in a surprising (and worrisome) backseat at a meeting. I was so grateful because the talent show and my personal life have been taking everything out of me (but I’m embarrassed to say that because of the results of both). But I feel like a perpetual failure lately. The culture in my classroom is often horrific. My lessons have hardly existed the past few weeks. My summer hangs over my head, a dangling tantalizing treat, but just past that is a class of kids. Kids I’m ignoring because I’m so focused on something I want and can’t yet have. It is excruciating.

Most of this, today, is coming from a lack of sleep. It’s unfortunate that the days I actually post are the days I am feeling the weakest. This year has been wonderful, and I’m excited for next year, but right now I just want to sleep.

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